Letting Go Isn’t Easy
A journey of anger, healing and searching for peace
Welcome to the new regular spot on the third Monday of the month — a personal essay about my ongoing journey of mindfulness and making meaning from the life I am experiencing. Here at the Mindful Writer, I share ideas and insights that can help us live and write more mindfully to use our words and way of being in the world as a force of good, to bring about more peace and love.
My estranged mother tried to make contact with me again as my stepfather went into palliative care. She used different email addresses and phone numbers to get round the blocks that are in place on my website, phone and email accounts, and my sister and brother-in-law’s phones. She has contacted me and my sister and brother-in-law four times in the past five weeks. I’m so tired of it. And I have been furious at her.
I’ve done a lot of work over the past eight years to process my upbringing in that family and to forgive them for what they did, and myself for what I did in return. I finally found some peace by removing myself from them. But this recent bombardment of contact from her has brought a lot of old pain and resentment to the fore again. In none of the messages has she even asked how I am. As it always has been, it’s only about what she wants and believes she deserves.
I did some ranting (mindful ranting, mind you!) and crying the other day and that brought some relief. But I don’t want to be back in this cycle of having her bombard me with messages. Of me getting upset by them. But I know I have no control over it. She can do this, is doing this, and I can’t stop her. All I can do is control how I react. I’m working on it as I don’t want to be ranting and crying on a regular basis!
At the same time I was angry at her, I felt sorrow for them and what they are going through. Especially as they seemed to feel me getting in touch would somehow make it better. It wouldn’t. But her latest flurry of contact attempts has revealed that despite how much work I have already done, there is still a lot more to do.
As I usually do when I am feeling in need of guidance, I seek the wisdom of Thích Nhất Hạnh. This passage helped me to feel better about my decision to remain removed and silent.
I broke that tit-for-tat cycle of making each other suffer, which had been going on forever, when I chose to stop contact in 2017. I am not going to contact them as I would have to speak my truth, which would bring more hurt and suffering for us all. But I feel at a loss currently, on how to stop my anger arising when she keeps on contacting me. Even though I no longer retaliate, I am suffering. Because I want her to understand this teaching from Thích Nhất Hạnh in Old Path White Clouds: Walking in the Footsteps of the Buddha:
In Ancient India, King Pasenadi asked the Buddha “How can one love without desire and attachment?”
The Buddha replied, “We need to look at the nature of our love. Our love should bring peace and happiness to the ones we love. If our love is based on a selfish desire to possess others, we will not be able to bring them peace and happiness. On the contrary, our love will make them feel trapped. Such a love is no more than a prison. If the persons we love are unable to be happy because of our love, they will find a way to free themselves. Love is understanding. If you cannot understand, you cannot love. Husbands and wives who do not understand each other cannot love each other. Brothers and sisters who do not understand each other cannot love each other. Parents and children who do not understand each other cannot love each other.”
If you want your loved ones to be happy, you must learn to understand their sufferings and their aspirations. When you understand, you will know how to relieve their sufferings and how to help them fulfil their aspirations. That is true love. If you only want your loved ones to follow your own ideas and you remain ignorant of their needs, it is not truly love. It is only a desire to possess another and attempt to fulfil your own needs, which cannot be fulfilled in that way.
She always saw me as her possession — as she gave me life I was on this earth to fulfil her needs. My suffering in our relationship has always stemmed from me wanting that to be different. Wanting her to understand that I am an individual with my own mind, ideas, and life to live. Now it is stemming from wanting her to respect the decision I made to free myself, and to leave me in peace. As I accepted long ago that the relationship we had with each other was not truly love.
I also can’t pretend that all the violence and abuse didn’t happen, like they do. I can’t pretend that we have anything resembling a happy, healthy relationship. Despite that, and despite the anger I have been feeling, I send her loving kindness as she deals with the loss of her husband. I send him loving kindness as he departs this world.1 May they both find peace.
Even though this has been a challenging time, my mindfulness practice and positive psychology training mean that my suffering isn’t consuming me. I still laugh and enjoy the many great things in my life. That is something to celebrate as I wasn't able to do this before. The hurt and the anger and the loss would take over everything. So my suffering is less. There is much to be thankful for.
Earlier this month, I held an online writing festival dedicated to the novella-in-flash and it was a wonderful event filled with inspiration and fun - one where I inadvertently started working on a new novella-in-flash project. Which seems fitting somehow as this month is the first anniversary of the publication of my first novella-in-flash, Pressure Drop. The novel I am already writing is feeling a bit put out though! But everything I learned in the workshops I can apply to both stories. And I can keep slowly developing the new novella idea as I finish the first draft of the novel. Then keep switching between the two while the other rests. I have it sussed!
It’s been a long time since I felt so invested in writing fiction so this is bringing me great joy. Interestingly, both the novel and the novella have been born from standalone flash fiction stories that I had no idea would turn into something bigger. Which reinforces my belief that characters and their stories find me as, and when, they’re meant to. I am writing more about this for a guest post which will appear on MultiDimensional Leaders by
soon and I am looking forward to sharing this with you, and her readers.With love,
The Mindful Writing Festival
Join us at The Mindful Writing Festival on 9th March for an inspiring day dedicated to bringing mindfulness to our writing craft. It will be fun and interactive with sessions focused on writing fiction with me, writing for Substack with
, writing memoir with , and choosing the right words with . As well as a panel discussion about the mindful writing way featuring , , and . It’s going to be great! Get info and tickets here.Since I wrote and scheduled this I learned by text message from an old childhood friend that he died. Someone I’ve had no contact with for many years who has no idea of how things were, and are, between us. But I chose to let this post go as it was. No doubt, I’ll write more soon.
The story from the Buddha via Thich Nhat Hanh is very helpful for my own story around all of this. Continued love to you Amanda.
I had a similar break with my own mother at one point, as well as with my ex-spouse. It is very difficult to navigate the waters of forgiveness and find peace when people have deeply hurt you - and often have not apologized or recognized how hurtful their behavior was.
The one thing that helped me most in this endeavor was the “love your enemy” idea. I began to pray for them and when I did, I discovered a compassion for them that I never thought was possible. I realized that they are unhappy people - on the inside, deep down. And it is their own unhappiness with themselves that drives mean behavior. This allowed me to feel both pity and compassion for them and the anger slowly faded away. The most amazing truth came from this realization - forgiving careless people and choosing to love them frees US and brings US peace… it isn’t for THEM.