Hi Amanda, thank you for sharing your dilemmas and the traumas which have shaped your life. I thought I would respond because I've gone through a divorce in the last twelve months because I finally accepted my husband wanted a mother rather than a wife and he was holding me back. I told him I was going to divorce him and if he wanted it to be amicable he needed to accept it and apply for it with me. He did but then I had to begin looking for somewhere else to live. I knew it was going to be difficult but in the end, thanks to a friend who suggested that I was in a position to pay the rent a year in advance and I should tell the landlord I could. I liked the house when I viewed it and they accepted my offer (I have owned a house for over 40 years so I don't have landlord references) and I've found I am content with myself.
Amanda, I identify. With the scary parents and the restlessness in particular. I’m off again too. Moving back to where I moved from four years ago. It feels like the right thing for me. My current home hasn't worked for me spiritually. I need to be at the coast. Why did I think that wouldn’t matter? I don't know. It's been a hard lesson. Hope I’ve learned from it. Thinking of you, my fellow traveller💙
Amanda, I love the way you address the state of limbo we find ourselves in between things. And your honest portrayal of how the choices we make in how we live open some roads and preclude others--or at least make traveling those roads much more difficult. I appreciate both your honesty and your eloquence. And the swing between the joy and freedom of travel, the embrace of novelty, and the desire for home.
But the thing that struck me like an arrow came from the Pema Chodron quote you included:
"Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.”
I'm reading this a couple of hours before I go in for an ultrasound to find out whether the "we saw something questionable on your mammogram and want to take another look" is a smudge, a nothing, a false alarm, or a return of the breast cancer I had 18 years ago.
For the last few weeks, while waiting for today, I've felt quiet and steady. But this morning, as I get close to my appointment, I feel the acute sense of aliveness you described. Everything vivid and sharp in the moment.
It's not a "bad" feeling, per se, just a heightened state of awareness. There is some fear yes, but mostly an acute appreciation for well....everything...how lucky and fortunate I am to have a human body...to be alive. How my life may be changed a few hours from now. Or how I might be dropped back down into my life as it is.
Thank you for your heart-centred reply, Laura. And yes, despite how hard things sometimes are, we are blessed indeed to be here experiencing it all. My prayers are with you for the appointment today.
We own our little home. A simple little cottage, with room for Gardens. And yet, and yet...as I approach 70, there is a sort of fear...fear of illness, semi-incapacitation, all those things that come with age, and so I have to ask, Are we ever really fully free? As long as we are alive, there will be challenges until, like your friend, the challenges simply cease. Maybe then we will be fully free. Wishing you the best on your search, Amanda! It will happen!
Thanks for sharing your fear, Nancy and for your good wishes. No, I don’t believe we are ever fully free. Our monkey minds always find something for us to be sad, scared or angry about!
That in between liminal space is both exhilarating, and exhausting. And it is a beautiful sacred space of change. And sometimes, it is a space that is both difficult to stay in, yet even harder to step out of.
I know you will figure this out. You have faced all the issues inside yourself and are sitting with them in all the ways you need to in order to process them and move forward.
Have you read Beckett Johnson or Alexander Lovell (both are other guest presenters in Creator Retreat). They are both writing about the liminal space this month. Alex just moved, and Beckett is also in between homes at the moment. You might enjoy their perspectives.
It is indeed exhausting! I went to bed at 8pm last night and slept until 6.30 this morning. I’m sure what we’re supposed to do will reveal itself. John has found us a private landlord house to go and view on Saturday morning. It’s not rural, which is how we have been living for years, but it’s in Scotland by the sea and maybe it’s the right thing. 🤷🏻♀️ I will check Beckett and Alexander’s writing out. 💙
Sending you good vibes for a positive outcome and hope you find a place where you can relax for a while. I have a friend who uses housesit sites in Scotland. They travelled for a couple of years in a campervan and would like to settle in Scotland in the future, meanwhile they're housesitting in Inverness. You probably know the sites, but here they are:
I appreciate the humanity in this, how you show us that you are human too- no matter what you write.
This is a liminal space for you, it seems. The in-between. It can be a confusing time! It can also be incredibly beautiful and profound.
I have found myself in the liminal space for three years now. It's why I am here on Substack. It's been the best and worst 3 years of my life. I'm also in my early 40s and 40 feels like a liminal space for sure.
Hi Amanda, thank you for sharing your dilemmas and the traumas which have shaped your life. I thought I would respond because I've gone through a divorce in the last twelve months because I finally accepted my husband wanted a mother rather than a wife and he was holding me back. I told him I was going to divorce him and if he wanted it to be amicable he needed to accept it and apply for it with me. He did but then I had to begin looking for somewhere else to live. I knew it was going to be difficult but in the end, thanks to a friend who suggested that I was in a position to pay the rent a year in advance and I should tell the landlord I could. I liked the house when I viewed it and they accepted my offer (I have owned a house for over 40 years so I don't have landlord references) and I've found I am content with myself.
Hi Helen, thanks for sharing your story. I’m happy for you that you have found a home and contentment after a difficult time.
Amanda, I identify. With the scary parents and the restlessness in particular. I’m off again too. Moving back to where I moved from four years ago. It feels like the right thing for me. My current home hasn't worked for me spiritually. I need to be at the coast. Why did I think that wouldn’t matter? I don't know. It's been a hard lesson. Hope I’ve learned from it. Thinking of you, my fellow traveller💙
May your new home back at the coast be all that you need it to be, Anna. You're in my heart too 💙
Amanda, I love the way you address the state of limbo we find ourselves in between things. And your honest portrayal of how the choices we make in how we live open some roads and preclude others--or at least make traveling those roads much more difficult. I appreciate both your honesty and your eloquence. And the swing between the joy and freedom of travel, the embrace of novelty, and the desire for home.
But the thing that struck me like an arrow came from the Pema Chodron quote you included:
"Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.”
I'm reading this a couple of hours before I go in for an ultrasound to find out whether the "we saw something questionable on your mammogram and want to take another look" is a smudge, a nothing, a false alarm, or a return of the breast cancer I had 18 years ago.
For the last few weeks, while waiting for today, I've felt quiet and steady. But this morning, as I get close to my appointment, I feel the acute sense of aliveness you described. Everything vivid and sharp in the moment.
It's not a "bad" feeling, per se, just a heightened state of awareness. There is some fear yes, but mostly an acute appreciation for well....everything...how lucky and fortunate I am to have a human body...to be alive. How my life may be changed a few hours from now. Or how I might be dropped back down into my life as it is.
Thank you for your heart-centred reply, Laura. And yes, despite how hard things sometimes are, we are blessed indeed to be here experiencing it all. My prayers are with you for the appointment today.
We own our little home. A simple little cottage, with room for Gardens. And yet, and yet...as I approach 70, there is a sort of fear...fear of illness, semi-incapacitation, all those things that come with age, and so I have to ask, Are we ever really fully free? As long as we are alive, there will be challenges until, like your friend, the challenges simply cease. Maybe then we will be fully free. Wishing you the best on your search, Amanda! It will happen!
Thanks for sharing your fear, Nancy and for your good wishes. No, I don’t believe we are ever fully free. Our monkey minds always find something for us to be sad, scared or angry about!
That in between liminal space is both exhilarating, and exhausting. And it is a beautiful sacred space of change. And sometimes, it is a space that is both difficult to stay in, yet even harder to step out of.
I know you will figure this out. You have faced all the issues inside yourself and are sitting with them in all the ways you need to in order to process them and move forward.
Have you read Beckett Johnson or Alexander Lovell (both are other guest presenters in Creator Retreat). They are both writing about the liminal space this month. Alex just moved, and Beckett is also in between homes at the moment. You might enjoy their perspectives.
It is indeed exhausting! I went to bed at 8pm last night and slept until 6.30 this morning. I’m sure what we’re supposed to do will reveal itself. John has found us a private landlord house to go and view on Saturday morning. It’s not rural, which is how we have been living for years, but it’s in Scotland by the sea and maybe it’s the right thing. 🤷🏻♀️ I will check Beckett and Alexander’s writing out. 💙
Scotland by the sea sounds absolutely glorious!
Amanda, Just as the dawn comes when it is supposed to, your house will come when it is supposed to. Hang in there, my friend. D
You’re right, Dave. It will 💙
I'm so glad that the post I shared had fruit for you both. May your burden be light and your walk easy. x
Thank you, Andō 💙
Sending you good vibes for a positive outcome and hope you find a place where you can relax for a while. I have a friend who uses housesit sites in Scotland. They travelled for a couple of years in a campervan and would like to settle in Scotland in the future, meanwhile they're housesitting in Inverness. You probably know the sites, but here they are:
Most recommended - trustedhousesitters.com
She also uses - housesittersuk.co.uk
Hope you find a place that calms you body and soul.
Thanks Lorraine. We’ve been house sitting on and off for many years but my husband has developed an allergy to pet fur so we can’t do it anymore.
I appreciate the humanity in this, how you show us that you are human too- no matter what you write.
This is a liminal space for you, it seems. The in-between. It can be a confusing time! It can also be incredibly beautiful and profound.
I have found myself in the liminal space for three years now. It's why I am here on Substack. It's been the best and worst 3 years of my life. I'm also in my early 40s and 40 feels like a liminal space for sure.
Sending you grounding vibes 🪨