What You Focus on Grows
A Guest Post from Biteena Frazier
Hi Mindful Writers,
I’m delighted to bring you a guest post from Biteena Frazier today that explores grief and how we can find meaning in the inevitable losses we experience as part of this human experience. Biteena and I became friends after being in the peer group together on the Mindfulness Mentoring course last year and she has since introduced me to many wonderful podcasts, websites and ideas. Please do share your thoughts on her post in the comments. She has a new Substack publication coming soon.
With love,
Amanda 💙
What You Focus on Grows
On Valentine’s Day 2000 my heart suffered a blow I was sure I could not survive, nor did I even want to. Following a brief and seemingly ordinary illness, my 2 ½ year old son stopped breathing. I watched his heartbeat slip away on the monitor. When the line went flat, his soft smile assured me that he had gone somewhere beautiful. I then free-fell into the hole he left behind. Climbing out of that bottomless pit involved a million micro-steps and a journey of a trillion tiny turning points.
Amanda’s recent focus on transition, bardo and the in-between has made me reflective of this time. I had no idea then where I would end up in 2026. Looking back, I wonder at the vast sea of challenges I navigated as I raised my surviving three children, adopted a fifth, divorced, remarried, returned to school, started a career as a school counsellor and parent coach, and moved from Germany to India, to Singapore, the US, Qatar, China and now, finally Portugal. I see the twisting path, accentuated by countless oases of sustenance, and hope.
The very first nudge out from the abyss came from a whisper in my ear, “Mama, stop asking why I died and start asking why I lived.” They say it only takes one candle to chase away the night. This new perspective flickered light into my soul’s despair. Over time, my search for meaning expanded to general existential curiousity. Though definitive answers have illuded me, I’ve found some treasured wisdom along the way.
Bereavement aside, one of my life’s biggest challenges has been raising my adoptive son. I naively thought that simply loving a child and give them enough attention, would assure their wellbeing. But my son came with plenty of his own challenges, including all that comes with having experienced trauma in early life. When children struggle in school and behave in ways that do not serve them well, it is extremely difficult to focus on anything other than fixing the problem. Horrible scenarious played out in my mind that could unfold if my son failed to enjoy friendships or complete his education. I signed up for every parenting course I could find, looking for solutions to help me help him.
A welcome paradigm shift in outlook came about while attending a virtues-based parenting workshop. In my search for solving a parenting problem, I stumbled across something much bigger and more abiding. This new approach was not a fix-it-all, rather a new understanding of being that restored my sense of personal agency and belief in my son’s capacity to live his life with meaning and purpose. The approach didn’t change him, it changed me, and that set us both on a new trajectory. If virtues strategies could help me with my struggles to be an effective parent, I knew others would find value in them as well. Since 2010 I have been sharing The Five Strategies™ of The Virtues Project™ with parents who deeply want to get it right.
Where we place our attention profoundly impacts wellbeing and is one of the few things we can control. Trying to understand loss is like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Asking why we live didn’t take away my sorrow but it opened me to the possibility of joy. I don’t know the meaning of life but I do know that focusing on what we deeply value brings meaning to our struggles. Fixating on a problem is like looking through the wrong end of a microscope — all you can see is your own frustration. By focusing instead on our deepest desires, we open our minds to new possibilities and our hearts to hope. The recent arrival of a grandchild has once again highlighted the mystery of life. I’m no longer on a quest to understand the proverbial “10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys,” now I’m just doing my best to be as present as possible to all of it.
In parent coaching they say, “What you focus on grows.” We cannot control the future, but we can control our attention, which plays a role in what emerges. Using the power of attention we can stay present to what is and navigate unknown territory. When aware of my True North, my attention serves as compass. When aware of what I yearn for, my attention serves as radar. If I listen to my heart and body with care, my attention serves as guide. I am grateful for the language of the virtues because it allows my mind to rest in that which matters; the virtues enable me to identify strength in weakness and to carve meaning from times of trouble.
Which brings me to the current moment and my new life in Portugal, where I am transitioning from living in a city of 26 million people to a village of 100. I’ve let go of multi-tasking and urgent to-do lists. I’m embracing select activities and mindfully attending to that which nurtures me in body and spirit. From a peaceful presence, I have put together programmes that guide parents to live authentically and parent with purpose.
In July, I will be running an introductory virtues-based parenting workshop. If my offerings resonate with you, let’s connect!
For information about Still Point and my EGG programmes please visit www.biteenafrazier.com.
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“Asking why we live didn’t take away my sorrow but it opened me to the possibility of joy.” This sentence caught my attention in a heart way. Although I don’t have children, now that I’m in my 70s I have lost too many friends. Joy can be elusive yet I find it is near if we allow ourselves to access it. Thank you for this thoughtful post!
Looking through the wrong end of a microscope, and only seeing your own frustration is a never ending loop. This is insightful; thank you!