Letting the mud settle

On not knowing what to do

Photo by Amritanshu Sikdar on Unsplash

Hello friends,

I am struggling a bit lately with maintaining a sunny, positive outlook. But I am aware of that struggle and keeping it as balanced as I can in my mind — which is progress! But I started this Substack to be honest and authentic about life and writing, and I won’t always be able to be on top of everything, as that’s not how being human works.

The reason I am struggling is that being houseless is hard. I have always loved to travel but now I am longing for somewhere that my husband and I can call home. We have been housesitting or doing work for accommodation exchanges for the majority of the past decade. I’m tired. We’re both tired. And this year has been particularly difficult as in several of the jobs we arranged, people have lied to us about what it entails.

I won’t go into detail on them all but the worst one was a place in Scotland where we had arranged an ongoing gig where we helped out with grounds maintenance and the chickens, and looked after her place for her while she was away, in return for a two-bed static home with all mod-cons. We drove for many hours and arrived to find a tiny caravan that we couldn't both stand up in at the same time. It had no heating, no wifi, and no bathroom and she told us we could shower on her deck using the outdoor tap. In February (well anytime of year would’ve been unacceptable really!). She expected us to do an insane amount of work on the steep rough land, which, among many other things, involved felling trees belonging to her neighbours. We left straight away.

The latest house sit in Canada we didn’t have the freedom to just leave having flown half way round the world. So we’re having to see this one out. We are literally counting the days! Nevertheless, I am grateful for the latest lessons this experience is teaching me but I’ve been wondering about karma, and what I might have done to have had a year where so many people are taking advantage! Whatever the answer to that question is, and I’m still working on figuring it out, we simply cannot afford to rent a home in the UK and pay all the associated bills that come with it. And because of Brexit we can no longer go and live elsewhere in Europe that’s more affordable without going through a lengthy and expensive immigration process. So we have to carry on doing this.

As always when I’m feeling lost and troubled, I turn to the Tao Te Ching for comfort and guidance. This is the chapter that appeared on my app when I pressed the randomiser button on a day when I was feeling very put upon and lost for answers as what to do.

Chapter 15

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Their wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.

They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

As always, the reading of this ancient wisdom seemed to bring me exactly what I need when I need it most.

The Tao send me a message that it was important for me to hear so that I don’t try to force something to happen, that I don’t rush into the wrong thing again,

I will be patient until the mud settles and the water is clear. I will remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself.

I know that the dilemma is still there. That we will need to do something different. That we need a home. But the mud of change has been churned up by our desire to make things different, and I am trying very hard to keep that part of me that wants a home right now, pacified, to give the universe time to bring the right action. I keep mindfully shifting my focus to the positives instead of whirling away into the thought patterns that demand action now. It’s definitely an ongoing practice that needs attending to time and time again!

What about you — what do you need to be patient with to let the mud settle and give the water time to clear? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or by replying to the email.

With love,

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