Thanks Kate. Yes, you've hit the nail on the head here! I want it to be different, but I can't make it so, and I am choosing to let the anger go as it's only me that it's upsetting! And yes, roll on England first (will be back in my homeland in just 17 days!) then Scotland xx
Thanks Dave. Lessons do indeed come like that. And I’m always trying to find the teaching that each difficult situation is bringing. Helps me to make sense of it and me!
Crazy, crazy people! But you provide much food for thought. We're mostly led to believe that mindfulness and anger are polar opposites, but you have made me ponder how bringing awareness to anger can usher in mindfulness. Thank you. I too find any anger dissipates much more quickly these days, and I am far more aware of my triggers.
Yes I’m more aware of mine too. Doesn’t stop them firing sometimes though! There’s definitely room for anger and mindfulness to be together. It’s unlikely that we’ll ever be able to never get angry but this experience has taught me how I’m better able to handle it and take time to respond rather than react to the people who trigger it. My angry reactions have all been contained to myself and my husband whereas in the past I’d have had a blazing row with the homeowner!
In the fiction story I've written, my protagonist both uses the anger she feels towards the friend who betrayed her, and allows that same anger to fuel the search to find her friend who goes missing. I believe it is in this inbetween space that is the most difficult to navigate.
I agree. We can absolutely be mindfully angry. Being mindful is not about being always calm or peaceful. It's about just being and noticing. The mindfulness allows us to notice what we are feeling, at every moment. Then we can choose to respond to what is in front of us, instead of letting the emotions drive our actions. Much like your home sit owners seem to be doing. All you can do is stay on your path (as much as you can) and allow them to continue on theirs. Wishing you more peace in the coming weeks!
Thank you for the peace wishes. Let’s hope so! And yes, you’re right, my path is all I have any control over and I’m sticking to it with only a few minor diversions!
I think reading this has helped me process what am going through right now with a family member. I am raging and I know this but I have not to reacted as I would have a couple of moons back. I notice my anger and my raging bile but am sitting with this. We’ve been here before it’s super triggering but am not going back there. Namaste Bitches( that my friends is my not raging -raging mindful self in a word)
Thank you for sharing that Rachel. I also feel mindfully aware when I angrily react to something and like you said I can deal with it in minutes or hours rather than days now. I love your silence in not responding to her emails. Leaving their ugly words out there in the void and not responding is a beautiful answer.
Thankyou for sharing Amanda. I love that you left her ugly words and behaviour unanswered. I too experience angry mindfullness, its great because that awareness allows us to recover in hours or minutes rather than days. These people have been a great challenge for you!
This reminds me of The Chimp Paradox. The author explains that the mind is made up of the human, the chimp, and the computer. The chimp is full of emotion and can either be helpful or destructive. The human deals with logic and rationale.
He also explains that one way to know which model you're using is to ask, 'Do I want to be angry?' If no, the chimp has taken over, so you thank the chimp and tell them you'll take it from there. If the answer is yes, the human is in control, because there are times where we need to be angry, so we assess it and find the most sensible way of dealing with the situation.
😆 Haven't we all. Well, I highly recommend that book to those you strive for self reflection and wanting to be the best versions of themselves. It's written by Professor Steve Peters.
Thanks i have been burning with anger and sorrow after a meeting with members of the band We started it nearly 50 years ago, my husband and I, under his leadership, and music and songs. Now he is unwell and slow and keeps changing song lists prior to rehearsals “seeking the best artistic flow”.
The current generation of band members lack patience and just want to get out there and earn a living to support their families. They are insisting on equal voting rights, majority rules and talking of keeping up with the music industry, and their feel for what the public wants.
I have been white-hot with rage since the meeting at their lack of patience and concern for my husband. His behaviour is difficult at times, but should he give up whilst he can still perform? They know I have been trying to manage this. And it’s his name that brings in the funds and the fans.
A band we set up with the key principle of concern for each other in a circle of love is now demanding to turn itself into a union. A band whose needs often took precedence of me and my family.
Is it because it’s the end of an era? Or because I’m exhausted as a care-giver anyway? Or the lack of care shown at that meeting sprung on us over a month ago, before the two of us went away.
We meet again tonight and I’m concerned how I will mind my words. Will I explode in anger, sit childishly resentful or just burst into tears unable to handle my grief?
Thanks for listening and the opportunity to share and examine this more mindfully.
Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time, Susan. It’s so hard to manage everyone’s different expectations, often including our own. Sending you strength for the meeting. And hugs for the grieving and caring you’re doing alongside all of this. 💙
This past spring, I got angry, largely about feeling forced into doing something I didn’t think was the right thing to do, and quiet honestly, I simply didn’t want to do. So I said to myself, “Okay, if I have to do this, I’m going to do it my way.” I made it as righteous as I could make it while still working within the rule set. I made out a plan, and I got to work. The first season went very well, but the work starts again in the spring. I let my anger guide me throughout the work, and I worked hard, and the results were extremely satisfying. But because I did not temper my anger, I worked too hard, and at times I worked in disregard for the toll it was taking on my body. I sort of fucked up my knees. They are mostly better now, but I still feel a twinge sometimes when I let my knee twist a bit, or the weather gets too damp. I wonder if I could have tempered my anger a bit, into something more along the lines of firm resolution. I wonder if I still could call it anger if I did. This autumn, I’m going to do my best to channel and transform my anger into resolution. But maybe I should take care to hold on to a bit of that anger as a propelling force.
Thanks for sharing your story, John. Sorry to hear you've been in a situation you didn't want to be in and that it led to hurting your knees. It's easy to let our frustrations push us into forgetting to be mindful of ourselves when we find ourselves having to do things we don't feel are right. I hope you can find a way to make it work for you when you have to do it again. Holding on to anger is never a good thing though! I have learnt that I have to let things go for my own wellbeing.
I really appreciate this topic. I've been pondering anger as generative (I keep using that word lately!) for awhile. I've stuffed what I think of as naturally occurring angry responses over the years, at abuse, at crossed boundaries, etc. When I allow that anger to surface and am with it, I tend to think it burns off "dross" so to speak. It clears cluttered space in me. Of course, how I allow the anger to surface is really important. I'm learning that I'm kind of a volcano, pretty fiery. My responses tend to be strong. I want to notice my responses and be with them without allowing them to burn me up or anyone else around me (they've done both in the past). I also think that as I allow anger to come and practice being with it, I will have more balance (and probably less knee jerk anger) in the future.
Thanks for this Amanda! And yes, to counting the days.
I used to be like a volcano. After growing up in a household full of constant confrontation, I used to hold everything in so as not to provoke more conflict. But then I’d get to the point where I’d explode. It took years for me to be able to say I was annoyed/upset/frustrated by someone soon after it happened instead of silently bearing grudges about things, letting them pile up and then blasting people with all of them all at once! And yes to anger being generative. My anger made me write this post and it has generated lots of comments and new connections 😊💙
We had no confrontation in our house, just lots of low boil and silence, and it created a very similar response in me to yours. Yay to the generative in all its forms!
Amazing how two very different types of disfunction created the same response in us. There was so much shouting in mine that even now when people start shouting, even if it's not directed at me, something in me freezes up and I want to get away as quickly as possible.
Thanks Kate. Yes, you've hit the nail on the head here! I want it to be different, but I can't make it so, and I am choosing to let the anger go as it's only me that it's upsetting! And yes, roll on England first (will be back in my homeland in just 17 days!) then Scotland xx
Amanda, It seems to me that you are using your anger as a way to know yourself better.
Lessons come in the shape we can best understand. Thank you for your willingness to share. D
Thanks Dave. Lessons do indeed come like that. And I’m always trying to find the teaching that each difficult situation is bringing. Helps me to make sense of it and me!
What a time you're having. The woman sounds demented. It would be interesting to know if there have been other house-sitters.
I pity the ones they’ve got lined up after us!
Crazy, crazy people! But you provide much food for thought. We're mostly led to believe that mindfulness and anger are polar opposites, but you have made me ponder how bringing awareness to anger can usher in mindfulness. Thank you. I too find any anger dissipates much more quickly these days, and I am far more aware of my triggers.
Yes I’m more aware of mine too. Doesn’t stop them firing sometimes though! There’s definitely room for anger and mindfulness to be together. It’s unlikely that we’ll ever be able to never get angry but this experience has taught me how I’m better able to handle it and take time to respond rather than react to the people who trigger it. My angry reactions have all been contained to myself and my husband whereas in the past I’d have had a blazing row with the homeowner!
In the fiction story I've written, my protagonist both uses the anger she feels towards the friend who betrayed her, and allows that same anger to fuel the search to find her friend who goes missing. I believe it is in this inbetween space that is the most difficult to navigate.
Yes, those in between spaces are where we, and our characters, can go either way. Sometimes both at once with different people!
I agree. We can absolutely be mindfully angry. Being mindful is not about being always calm or peaceful. It's about just being and noticing. The mindfulness allows us to notice what we are feeling, at every moment. Then we can choose to respond to what is in front of us, instead of letting the emotions drive our actions. Much like your home sit owners seem to be doing. All you can do is stay on your path (as much as you can) and allow them to continue on theirs. Wishing you more peace in the coming weeks!
Thank you for the peace wishes. Let’s hope so! And yes, you’re right, my path is all I have any control over and I’m sticking to it with only a few minor diversions!
I think reading this has helped me process what am going through right now with a family member. I am raging and I know this but I have not to reacted as I would have a couple of moons back. I notice my anger and my raging bile but am sitting with this. We’ve been here before it’s super triggering but am not going back there. Namaste Bitches( that my friends is my not raging -raging mindful self in a word)
I’m glad it helped you process something. And yay for not reacting!
Thank you for sharing that Rachel. I also feel mindfully aware when I angrily react to something and like you said I can deal with it in minutes or hours rather than days now. I love your silence in not responding to her emails. Leaving their ugly words out there in the void and not responding is a beautiful answer.
Thankyou for sharing Amanda. I love that you left her ugly words and behaviour unanswered. I too experience angry mindfullness, its great because that awareness allows us to recover in hours or minutes rather than days. These people have been a great challenge for you!
I called you Rachel..she is the protagonist in my novel!
This reminds me of The Chimp Paradox. The author explains that the mind is made up of the human, the chimp, and the computer. The chimp is full of emotion and can either be helpful or destructive. The human deals with logic and rationale.
He also explains that one way to know which model you're using is to ask, 'Do I want to be angry?' If no, the chimp has taken over, so you thank the chimp and tell them you'll take it from there. If the answer is yes, the human is in control, because there are times where we need to be angry, so we assess it and find the most sensible way of dealing with the situation.
I think you dealt with it well.
Thanks Jimmy. I'd not heard of this. Definitely got a cheeky little monkey mind that takes over sometimes though!
😆 Haven't we all. Well, I highly recommend that book to those you strive for self reflection and wanting to be the best versions of themselves. It's written by Professor Steve Peters.
Thanks i have been burning with anger and sorrow after a meeting with members of the band We started it nearly 50 years ago, my husband and I, under his leadership, and music and songs. Now he is unwell and slow and keeps changing song lists prior to rehearsals “seeking the best artistic flow”.
The current generation of band members lack patience and just want to get out there and earn a living to support their families. They are insisting on equal voting rights, majority rules and talking of keeping up with the music industry, and their feel for what the public wants.
I have been white-hot with rage since the meeting at their lack of patience and concern for my husband. His behaviour is difficult at times, but should he give up whilst he can still perform? They know I have been trying to manage this. And it’s his name that brings in the funds and the fans.
A band we set up with the key principle of concern for each other in a circle of love is now demanding to turn itself into a union. A band whose needs often took precedence of me and my family.
Is it because it’s the end of an era? Or because I’m exhausted as a care-giver anyway? Or the lack of care shown at that meeting sprung on us over a month ago, before the two of us went away.
We meet again tonight and I’m concerned how I will mind my words. Will I explode in anger, sit childishly resentful or just burst into tears unable to handle my grief?
Thanks for listening and the opportunity to share and examine this more mindfully.
Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time, Susan. It’s so hard to manage everyone’s different expectations, often including our own. Sending you strength for the meeting. And hugs for the grieving and caring you’re doing alongside all of this. 💙
I can't comment on anger because I don't really get angry. I get disappointed over the human race.
But as a Canadian I apologize for the behavior of those Canadians! 😊
I don't often get angry either but these people have pushed some buttons!
This past spring, I got angry, largely about feeling forced into doing something I didn’t think was the right thing to do, and quiet honestly, I simply didn’t want to do. So I said to myself, “Okay, if I have to do this, I’m going to do it my way.” I made it as righteous as I could make it while still working within the rule set. I made out a plan, and I got to work. The first season went very well, but the work starts again in the spring. I let my anger guide me throughout the work, and I worked hard, and the results were extremely satisfying. But because I did not temper my anger, I worked too hard, and at times I worked in disregard for the toll it was taking on my body. I sort of fucked up my knees. They are mostly better now, but I still feel a twinge sometimes when I let my knee twist a bit, or the weather gets too damp. I wonder if I could have tempered my anger a bit, into something more along the lines of firm resolution. I wonder if I still could call it anger if I did. This autumn, I’m going to do my best to channel and transform my anger into resolution. But maybe I should take care to hold on to a bit of that anger as a propelling force.
Thanks for sharing your story, John. Sorry to hear you've been in a situation you didn't want to be in and that it led to hurting your knees. It's easy to let our frustrations push us into forgetting to be mindful of ourselves when we find ourselves having to do things we don't feel are right. I hope you can find a way to make it work for you when you have to do it again. Holding on to anger is never a good thing though! I have learnt that I have to let things go for my own wellbeing.
I really appreciate this topic. I've been pondering anger as generative (I keep using that word lately!) for awhile. I've stuffed what I think of as naturally occurring angry responses over the years, at abuse, at crossed boundaries, etc. When I allow that anger to surface and am with it, I tend to think it burns off "dross" so to speak. It clears cluttered space in me. Of course, how I allow the anger to surface is really important. I'm learning that I'm kind of a volcano, pretty fiery. My responses tend to be strong. I want to notice my responses and be with them without allowing them to burn me up or anyone else around me (they've done both in the past). I also think that as I allow anger to come and practice being with it, I will have more balance (and probably less knee jerk anger) in the future.
Thanks for this Amanda! And yes, to counting the days.
I used to be like a volcano. After growing up in a household full of constant confrontation, I used to hold everything in so as not to provoke more conflict. But then I’d get to the point where I’d explode. It took years for me to be able to say I was annoyed/upset/frustrated by someone soon after it happened instead of silently bearing grudges about things, letting them pile up and then blasting people with all of them all at once! And yes to anger being generative. My anger made me write this post and it has generated lots of comments and new connections 😊💙
We had no confrontation in our house, just lots of low boil and silence, and it created a very similar response in me to yours. Yay to the generative in all its forms!
Amazing how two very different types of disfunction created the same response in us. There was so much shouting in mine that even now when people start shouting, even if it's not directed at me, something in me freezes up and I want to get away as quickly as possible.
Yes, amazing!