Rewriting Reality

Changing our narratives to change the world

The Mindful Writer is all about making a difference with our words by really digging deep into what we’re writing and why. By making sure our words create connection rather than division, spread love not hate.

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“Words can travel thousands of miles. May my words create mutual understanding and love. May they be as beautiful as gems, as lovely as flowers.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

I have been writing here for over a year and I thought it was about time I shared the “why” behind my mission to get us changing the stories we tell ourselves, and each other, about what being human is really all about. It’s a story of two parts — the personal part is where it starts and the story that was told to me about who I am and what this life is for, which created the damaging and limiting story I told myself about me.

The second part is about what I learned that helped me change my own story and consequently change my world; and what I’ve learned from spiritual teachings and science about how powerful our words and thoughts are. How we use them creates our reality. So if we’re using our words and thoughts to create reality, if we change our stories to ones filled with compassion, forgiveness and love, we can change our world to that too.

This is the first part. Read the second part here.

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My estrangement from my family is something I have written about before. It was not a decision I made lightly and it was a long time coming. When I was growing up and into my adulthood, this is the story I was told about me:

By being born, I ruined my mother’s life. If it wasn't for me, her life wouldn’t have been so limited. Because I ruined her life, I owed her mine. My purpose in life was to be there for her, always. To look after her when she got old. I shouldn’t get any ideas above my station and I should leave school at sixteen and get any old job as it would only need to be until I got married and had kids and settled into a house close by where I could be at her beck and call. At the same time, I was useless. I was told this every day. After turning to drugs and alcohol at a young age, as I saw it as an escape from the multi-layered abuse going on in my home, I was a junkie, an alcoholic and a waste of space, too.

I internalised all of this and even when the circumstances of my life clearly demonstrated that I wasn't in any way useless, when I had long ago stopped taking any drugs and drank only a little, I was still carrying this vision of me inside. This made me think I wasn't any good. That I wasn't a nice person. That I wasn't worthy of love.

Then in 2017, by which time I was in my mid-40s, shortly after I had made the break away from my family, I had therapy for the first time. And in writing a new story about me in response to the therapist’s advice, I fully realised the power of the stories we are told, and that we tell, to create the reality we live. I was told to write my response to the following three statements in any way that worked for me.

1. Reasons why I am not useless

2. Reasons why I am not a bad daughter

3. Reasons why I don’t have to stay in a relationship with my family

It was answering the first one in particular that set me on the path that changed everything I thought about myself. Seeing the things I had achieved written down, clearly creating a different story about me, showed me that I wasn't in any way useless. A loving wife and friend able to have long-term healthy relationships, an entrepreneur, a published author, a teacher. These are just some of the things I am.

Since writing my answers to those statements, I have changed in so many ways. After a lifetime of hedonism and never looking after myself properly, I am now physically fit, strong and healthy. I eat well, I drink a little, I go to bed early and get up early, I meditate, I learn, I help others however I can. I am able to be open-hearted and honest about myself. I can tell people I love them and not feel uncomfortable when I say it.

I am doing my utmost to spread peace, love and joy and be the change we need to see in the world. And all of this only happened because I changed the story I told myself about me. Because I realised I am not only worthy of love, I am love. And so are you. And so is everyone.

And it’s the stories we’ve been told, are being told every day, that make us forget that. The history we are taught, and the non-stop daily news programmes on the radio and TV, are full of division, violence, hatred and war. The vast majority of TV series, movies and novels are full of this too. The stories my family were told about themselves, and the stories they choose to let in to their lives now, have created the reality they live in that made my upbringing what it was.

In the past decade, I have done a lot of learning about the power of of our words and thoughts, which I will share more fully in Part 2 of this essay next week, but one of the things that I learned when reading The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching by Thich Naht Hahn, is that for us to be happy, healthy peaceful people, that create harmonious families and societies, we have to make sure that what we allow into our bodies and minds grows those qualities in us.

In the Noble Eightfold Path, Right Action is one of the eight elements that can help us live a life of “joy, peace and insight” and this is an extract from that chapter.

I have witnessed the truth of this in my own life. I have witnessed the truth of this in my writing, both here on The Mindful Writer and in the stories I write. I have made a conscious decision to practice mindful consumption, and right speech, which means words and stories of compassion, empathy and peace, are the ones I allow in, and the ones I create. Imagine if we all did this. Imagine if none of our minds were being filled with violence, fear and despair. The reality we’d collectively be creating would be very different to the one we have.

This is why I am on a mission to get us changing the stories we tell ourselves, and each other, about what being human is really about. Join me.

With love,

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