When I was a child I thought all families were similar (not the same) as mine. Loving. Yes, some families I knew had difficult aspects, a parent with mental health issues, a parent missing, somewhat careless parents, but nevertheless loving. Then I moved into the workplace of childcare and healthcare and I learned that some families are anything but loving. You do not owe your family anything - but you do owe yourself a great deal. So, well done. I used mindfulness in my work with some of my patients - probably just the surface aspect of it but it was very valuable. It was the only thing that helped my sleep issues after a thyroidectomy when my hormones or lack of hormones threw me into a horrible state.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lindsay. I worked in admin for social services’ children and families dept for a brief period many years ago and it was heartbreaking to see how many kids lack love and care. I’m glad mindfulness has been able to help you personally and help you help others too. It’s a brilliant thing!
What an amazing gift you have given your life with your dedicated practice, Amanda, and all the work on yourself. Anger sloughed off, you nourish a heart of forgiveness.
I applaud your strength and courage to share this piece of you. It would be so nice to say that all families get along and are happy all the time but we all know that's not true. You're never obligated to allow someone in that is toxic or damaging. Protect your heart and your mind and cherish your spirit, you're so worth it! xx
Oooh Amanda I can relate to so much of this ❤️ I had a very similar situation... I'm estranged from my dad and someone from that side of my family passed away last week. Thinking about it now, it was like all of the healing and mindfulness training I've done was being put to the test with every email that came though. They did take me by surprise, and the guilt crept in, but I was able to deal with it in a different way - it felt empowering! I hope the next couple of weeks are kind to you x
It feels so great doesn’t it when we can respond differently and the first time we realise how far we’ve come. Sorry to hear you also have family issues. So many of us do, sadly.
That's a huge step, congrats! I remember reading somewhere that "mixed emotions" can be really hard for people. Apparently, grieving the loss of someone we feel unequivocally good about is in some ways easier than grieving someone we have ambivalent emotions about. It takes so much maturity to allow different and seemingly contradictory emotions to co-exist side by side, and yet, that appears to be the way to finding peace.
Thank you! It was a huge step to take but one that’s taken me on a journey to a happier me. I did my grieving for my family a long time ago and I’m happy to be able to say I’ve found peace 😊
So good that you’re now able to cope with such difficult situations and memories without really feeling them anymore, Amanda. Mindfulness is a huge strength. I’m still working on improving my mental health through yoga and meditation. A constant work in progress xx
Yes we're all works in progress! Yoga and meditation are a big part of my mindfulness practice too, and qigong, and all sorts of other great things! Lovely to see you here, Ali xx
Hi Amanda, as you know, this rings very true for me. It’s so helpful and encouraging to hear someone else’s voice say the same or very similar things as my own. Deep healing is absolutely possible. As always, thank you!
I'm sure you've read plenty of books about narcissism and being a child of a narcissist. I happened across a book called Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome (which is when one parent uses the child as a pawn against the other) by Amy Baker, and boy, was it awakening for me. Cathartic. But that's because my own children were alienated from me. It helped me to see for certain that their mother is a textbook narcissist. Not sure if helpful to you but I just thought I'd share.
Never heard that term Parental Alienation Syndrome before but, yeah, it sucks to be an alienated parent. Luckily my 6 year old daughter doesn’t buy it and we have a very close relationship. Thanks for sharing
I'm really sorry to hear that about your children, Don. And that you were married to a narcissist. They are so destructive. The first time I really understood that about my mother was when I read a book called When You And You Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda. In it, she had all these different types of mothering patterns and I identified mine as a Narcissistic Avenger. It was such a relief to finally realise that it wasn't all my fault, that her behaviour wasn't right and it wasn't all in my head. But it also helped me to understand a lot about myself and how I have behaved when growing up because of the situation I was in.
Thanks, Amanda. Yes, books can be very powerful that way, can’t they? When I read the book I mentioned I felt like the author was describing my experience firsthand! It was so empowering just to know that someone has seen and named the behavior. It just clarifies everything and makes you feel better about your confused emotional states. It’s good to not be alone in your feelings.
Yes exactly that - like they had been there! It felt really good to know there was a reason for it all. That in knowing that, there could be a way out too.
I should add, Amanda, it case I left the empression that I don't see them, that I was reunited with my children after the school years. In their low 30s now, I can text and get together with them any time, but the intimacy level that I wish I had with them is not there (they always respond to me but don't usually reach out on their own). And I dread my son's coming wedding (not for a year or so) because his mother has this ability to get everyone's nerves up on edge.
I’m glad you’re in touch. They must have a lot to process themselves, having a narcissist mother. Maybe as they age the relationship between you will deepen.
Wow Amanda, potent piece. Really strikes a chord. The mother of my 6 year old sounds exactly like your mom. Like exactly. I am now the legal guardian of her older daughter who is now 15 (so, my daughter’s older half sister). Even at the young age of 15 she knows that getting sucked back to her mom’s sweet talking will only end up in the endless criticism, demands, guilt tripping, and emotional abuse. I am beyond proud of this kid for taking control of her mental health at such a young age. And it is very inspiring to hear about your story of healing and how writing must have been such an integral part of that process. Well done 👍
Thank you, Christoph. That is so great to hear that your adopted daughter is able to recognise this so young. It took me a lot longer! But once I did, the journey of healing began. Albeit with a few backward steps on the way. And yes, writing has been, and continues to be, a huge part of my making sense of it all.
I am just getting to know these truths and in my small town I am the villan...Mom likes the poor mom attention...I just can't heal in that atmosphere..ty
30 years estranged before she died. Never found a way to deal with people who would say "She'll come around, she's your mother..' Some people just can't imagine. Some people have asked me what I did that was so awful. There's not been a lot of support. I hope you have it.
Sorry to hear you’ve not had much support, Ren. I’m lucky to have a very supportive husband but most of my friends don’t get why I can’t just accept that’s how they are and get back in touch. It’s like you say, people can’t imagine. They don’t understand because they’ve never experienced anything like it from their own parents. I’m happy for them that’s the case.
We've gone through similar things. It's been 15+ years. I've only felt better with each passing year. My latest novel is a fictionalized version of it but I think I'm shelving it. I don't have the energy to revisit all that-or do the rewrites and proofreading. I think I want to focus on something happier.
Sorry to hear you’ve been through it too, Howard. I completely get wanting to focus on happier things. Although I would also read your novel. I’ve been writing some little flash memoir pieces to help me process the things that happened. But also writing other things that are not related (although they probably are somehow!).
When I was a child I thought all families were similar (not the same) as mine. Loving. Yes, some families I knew had difficult aspects, a parent with mental health issues, a parent missing, somewhat careless parents, but nevertheless loving. Then I moved into the workplace of childcare and healthcare and I learned that some families are anything but loving. You do not owe your family anything - but you do owe yourself a great deal. So, well done. I used mindfulness in my work with some of my patients - probably just the surface aspect of it but it was very valuable. It was the only thing that helped my sleep issues after a thyroidectomy when my hormones or lack of hormones threw me into a horrible state.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lindsay. I worked in admin for social services’ children and families dept for a brief period many years ago and it was heartbreaking to see how many kids lack love and care. I’m glad mindfulness has been able to help you personally and help you help others too. It’s a brilliant thing!
What an amazing gift you have given your life with your dedicated practice, Amanda, and all the work on yourself. Anger sloughed off, you nourish a heart of forgiveness.
Thanks Fran 💙
I applaud your strength and courage to share this piece of you. It would be so nice to say that all families get along and are happy all the time but we all know that's not true. You're never obligated to allow someone in that is toxic or damaging. Protect your heart and your mind and cherish your spirit, you're so worth it! xx
Thank you, Rachel.
Beautiful ❤️
Thanks Paolo, and for sharing 💙🙏
Oooh Amanda I can relate to so much of this ❤️ I had a very similar situation... I'm estranged from my dad and someone from that side of my family passed away last week. Thinking about it now, it was like all of the healing and mindfulness training I've done was being put to the test with every email that came though. They did take me by surprise, and the guilt crept in, but I was able to deal with it in a different way - it felt empowering! I hope the next couple of weeks are kind to you x
It feels so great doesn’t it when we can respond differently and the first time we realise how far we’ve come. Sorry to hear you also have family issues. So many of us do, sadly.
That's a huge step, congrats! I remember reading somewhere that "mixed emotions" can be really hard for people. Apparently, grieving the loss of someone we feel unequivocally good about is in some ways easier than grieving someone we have ambivalent emotions about. It takes so much maturity to allow different and seemingly contradictory emotions to co-exist side by side, and yet, that appears to be the way to finding peace.
Thank you! It was a huge step to take but one that’s taken me on a journey to a happier me. I did my grieving for my family a long time ago and I’m happy to be able to say I’ve found peace 😊
That's beautiful! I'm so glad you've found peace with all this.
So good that you’re now able to cope with such difficult situations and memories without really feeling them anymore, Amanda. Mindfulness is a huge strength. I’m still working on improving my mental health through yoga and meditation. A constant work in progress xx
Yes we're all works in progress! Yoga and meditation are a big part of my mindfulness practice too, and qigong, and all sorts of other great things! Lovely to see you here, Ali xx
Hi Amanda, as you know, this rings very true for me. It’s so helpful and encouraging to hear someone else’s voice say the same or very similar things as my own. Deep healing is absolutely possible. As always, thank you!
Likewise, Emily, your writing always resonates with me and brings new light to situations. Here’s to both of us being strong and keeping on healing 💙
I’m really glad it does. And yes to healing!
I'm sure you've read plenty of books about narcissism and being a child of a narcissist. I happened across a book called Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome (which is when one parent uses the child as a pawn against the other) by Amy Baker, and boy, was it awakening for me. Cathartic. But that's because my own children were alienated from me. It helped me to see for certain that their mother is a textbook narcissist. Not sure if helpful to you but I just thought I'd share.
Never heard that term Parental Alienation Syndrome before but, yeah, it sucks to be an alienated parent. Luckily my 6 year old daughter doesn’t buy it and we have a very close relationship. Thanks for sharing
I'm really sorry to hear that about your children, Don. And that you were married to a narcissist. They are so destructive. The first time I really understood that about my mother was when I read a book called When You And You Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda. In it, she had all these different types of mothering patterns and I identified mine as a Narcissistic Avenger. It was such a relief to finally realise that it wasn't all my fault, that her behaviour wasn't right and it wasn't all in my head. But it also helped me to understand a lot about myself and how I have behaved when growing up because of the situation I was in.
Thanks, Amanda. Yes, books can be very powerful that way, can’t they? When I read the book I mentioned I felt like the author was describing my experience firsthand! It was so empowering just to know that someone has seen and named the behavior. It just clarifies everything and makes you feel better about your confused emotional states. It’s good to not be alone in your feelings.
Yes exactly that - like they had been there! It felt really good to know there was a reason for it all. That in knowing that, there could be a way out too.
I should add, Amanda, it case I left the empression that I don't see them, that I was reunited with my children after the school years. In their low 30s now, I can text and get together with them any time, but the intimacy level that I wish I had with them is not there (they always respond to me but don't usually reach out on their own). And I dread my son's coming wedding (not for a year or so) because his mother has this ability to get everyone's nerves up on edge.
I’m glad you’re in touch. They must have a lot to process themselves, having a narcissist mother. Maybe as they age the relationship between you will deepen.
Thanks, Amanda. ❤️🩹
Wow Amanda, potent piece. Really strikes a chord. The mother of my 6 year old sounds exactly like your mom. Like exactly. I am now the legal guardian of her older daughter who is now 15 (so, my daughter’s older half sister). Even at the young age of 15 she knows that getting sucked back to her mom’s sweet talking will only end up in the endless criticism, demands, guilt tripping, and emotional abuse. I am beyond proud of this kid for taking control of her mental health at such a young age. And it is very inspiring to hear about your story of healing and how writing must have been such an integral part of that process. Well done 👍
Thank you, Christoph. That is so great to hear that your adopted daughter is able to recognise this so young. It took me a lot longer! But once I did, the journey of healing began. Albeit with a few backward steps on the way. And yes, writing has been, and continues to be, a huge part of my making sense of it all.
I am just getting to know these truths and in my small town I am the villan...Mom likes the poor mom attention...I just can't heal in that atmosphere..ty
Sending strength.
30 years estranged before she died. Never found a way to deal with people who would say "She'll come around, she's your mother..' Some people just can't imagine. Some people have asked me what I did that was so awful. There's not been a lot of support. I hope you have it.
Sorry to hear you’ve not had much support, Ren. I’m lucky to have a very supportive husband but most of my friends don’t get why I can’t just accept that’s how they are and get back in touch. It’s like you say, people can’t imagine. They don’t understand because they’ve never experienced anything like it from their own parents. I’m happy for them that’s the case.
We've gone through similar things. It's been 15+ years. I've only felt better with each passing year. My latest novel is a fictionalized version of it but I think I'm shelving it. I don't have the energy to revisit all that-or do the rewrites and proofreading. I think I want to focus on something happier.
Sorry to hear you’ve been through it too, Howard. I completely get wanting to focus on happier things. Although I would also read your novel. I’ve been writing some little flash memoir pieces to help me process the things that happened. But also writing other things that are not related (although they probably are somehow!).