Finding thankfulness in sadness

August 2023 - Mindful Gratitude

“Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive.”

- Thích Nhất Hạnh

The teachings of Zen-Buddhist Monk, poet and author, Thích Nhất Hạnh, taught me many things and one of those is that there is always something to be thankful for, even in the darkest, harshest times we live through. That being able to feel gratitude when you feel like your heart might be breaking is a wondrous thing that makes you more resilient and more accepting of all. That just being alive is something to give thanks for every day.

In January 2020, one of my closest friends, T, took his own life as the first anniversary of his wife’s sudden death approached. The morning they found his body, my husband and I were staying in a holiday let in Dorset, UK, for a few months as my husband was doing a course nearby.

We cancelled everything we had planned for the day and in a state of shock drove to this nearby beach.

We sat there for a long time staring at the waves rolling in. Even though it was a winter’s day, the sky was cloud free and the sun had a faint warmth to it as it sparkled on the sea and sand, and slowly penetrated my numb mind. I was desperately sad, stunned, and also angry at T for what he had done. The latter made me feel guilty and ashamed but another thing I have learned on this journey is to just sit with the feelings and witness them. Don’t push them away. So I didn’t try to pretend that the anger wasn't there.

But at the same time, I was thankful for the healing power of nature and for the freedom of how I live that let me spend that day at the beach. I was grateful for the steady presence of my husband at my side and the constant love that flows between us. For his hand in mine as we sat there in silence trying to understand what had happened. Eventually, over a year later, I realised that I would never fully comprehend it. That I didn't need to. It just is and I’ve accepted that.

I miss T but I’m also so thankful that he was a part of my life. Even then, on that day, I felt grateful for that despite the disbelief and anger. He’s one of the few people I’ve known who is completely open-minded. He talked about and was interested in so many different things and he didn’t judge, or expect, or feel entitled. He painted beautiful pictures and made weird electronic music that didn’t have a lot of rhythm; he was silly and serious, made me laugh a lot, and sometimes frustrated and annoyed me beyond belief; he was always encouraging of every idea I had for my writing and for Retreat West, and those that my husband and I had for our nomadic lives; he taught me a lot and introduced me to many new ideas. So even though there was heartbreak, there is a lot more happiness both in the years we shared and in the memories I hold.

And when he was here with us, he definitely touched the miracle of being alive. And when he left us, he taught me to do that more fully too.

Writing Prompt

Write about someone you love who you’re angry with, or feeling resentful towards or annoyed by, and focus on the things you love about them. The reasons why you’re grateful they are, or were, in your life.

With love,

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